Teacher Dreams

Alright, now.

This is getting ridiculous.

Last night I dreamed I was at school, prepping for the new year, and intensely, obsessively even, searching for just one more desk that didn't have a collapsed leg.

This is what my professional stress has come down to?

For those of you who don't work in education and who maybe have been out of the classroom a decade or two, let me bring you back for a second.  Remember those crappy desks you had in high school with the open fronts that you could stick your folders in?  They had adjustable legs (though the adjusting wasn't easy as it involved a nut and bolt being removed, pushed up or down a slot, and replaced) and often were stylishly decked out with tennis balls where the feet should be?

That's what I still teach with.

They suck.

"Seriously, Señora?"  One of my favorite six-foot-two freshman looked at me when he saw his tiny desk.  "This is where I'm supposed to sit?"

"Sorry, man," I told him.  "If you've got a problem with it, kindly pass it on to the principal.  I've been trying to get new desks from him for three years."  It was true.  I weaseled the desk thing into any conversation I could.  Budget requests?  Desks.  Take on a new mentee next year?  Sure.  If you give me desks.  Good morning! How are you?  Desks.  I have a one track mind, and it's kind of sad the track it's chosen to take.

Curt, my student, crammed himself into his window-side seat.  If he pushed his chair way back and extended his legs out, he fit okay.  It just made him look like he was chillin' in a La-Z-Boy and totally checked-out from class.  I shrugged.  At least his plastic green seat wasn't one of the ones with a crack in it that pinched your butt every time you sat down.

But desks aren't the point.  They're just an easy distraction and a current pet peeve.

The point is Teacher Dreams.  And I'm not talking the kind of Teacher Dreams that involve winning the lottery, having the Most Perfect Class Ever, or getting to school and having your boss say "Hey, you know what?  I've got it today.  Why don't you just take the day off?"

I'm talking about the kind of Teacher Dreams that kick in every year, usually around the end of July or the beginning of August and bring back all the fun stress of the school year before for the school year even starts.  We've all had them.  Even today, when I went to a friend/colleague (frolleague)'s house, she was on the same wavelength.

"I had a dream I was back at school teaching, last night," she said.

"And?" I asked anxiously, waiting for her to be naked, or something.

"And nothing.  I was teaching.  It was fine."

Well then you got off lucky, missy.

My Teacher Dreams tend to be much more stressful.  The most common is that I can't control my classroom, the kids are being insolent snots and there is absolutely nothing to be done about it.  I wake up pissed and annoyed only to discover it's a Saturday morning in July.  Which, rather than making me feel better, leaves me even more pissed and annoyed that I've just spent ten minutes of my summer being pissed and annoyed about a work situation that doesn't even exist.

It's a vicious cycle.

My second most common dream is that I forget to set my alarm clock and arrive late to work.  Rather than pissed and annoyed, this one leaves me frazzled and freaked out.  Usually my principal is in there somewhere watching me be late and taking notes.

I've dreamed that an administrator sat me down to tell me, "We're not sure this is the right fit for you," that I opened my mouth to start teaching only to discover I had zero plans prepared, and that  my students suddenly realize I'm a horrific fake and don't know how to speak a word of Spanish.

Forget monsters under the bed and things that go bump in the night.  When I lie down on a late summer evening, I do so wondering what Horrors of Academia my sleep will bring.

Desks.  That's a new one.

So let's hear it, folks.  If you can beat a crooked desk leg for a lousy night's sleep, shoot me a line.  As for me, I'm off to pop an Ambien and watch a Johnny Depp movie.  Some eye liner-wearing, sexy, drunken pirate dreams.

Now that's what I'm talking about.

Sleep tight.

Education Interview Tips Part II

(cont. from previous entry)

As a note, after taunting the English teacher applicants in the last blog for the apostrophe -s, I realized I had no idea how to use it in "do's and don'ts."  So I googled it and found this handy thread:  http://www.englishforums.com/English/ProperApostrophesDontsAboutDonts/lzkx/post.htm. 
That's called being resourceful.  Also good in an interview.

Moving right along.


Assuming that up to this moment in your interview you haven't royally screwed something up, at some point you're going to have to answer a few questions. Stay on your toes.  They may seem straightforward, but in reality pulling off the right answer to these questions is as tricky as answering the classic, "Does this make my butt look big?"  If you're lucky, you can just give a quick, honest answer.  (Nope.  Not at all.)  If that's not an option, you're going to have to think fast.  Lie like a fool (Your butt always looks hot!) sugarcoat the truth (it's not your butt that's the problem...I just don't know if ass-less chaps are really 'in' this year) or just flat dodge the question (AHHHHH!  YOUR PANTS ARE ON FIRE!!)

Really and truly, in most cases, I only recommend the first option, but there are a few exceptions.  Sooo...

Interview Advice for Those Seeking a Job in Education Part II:  Does This Make My Butt Look Big?

Typcial Interview Question #1:

What are your weaknesses as an educator?

The seemingly trickiest of the questions is actually the easiest, so we'll start here.

Just friggin' answer it honestly and give us all a break.

The most common misstep with this question is to attempt the sugarcoating option, which just gets annoying.  Much like watching someone who really shouldn't be wearing ass-less chaps prance around in ass-less chaps.  Dear god, please just make it stop!

We all have weaknesses.  So get over it and 'fess up.  Differentiation has been your mortal enemy for the past year?  It's okay, lots of folks struggle there.  Organization isn't your strong suit?  Please, come look at my desk during finals week.  Transitions, time management, balance...we don't care.  Ok, maybe we care, but we've got weaknesses, too. And you'll get bonus points for recognizing you're not perfect and easily identifying your struggles.   Just don't start in on the oh, golly gee...it's just that I'm such a perfectionist I probably work too hard at everything I do, that's my biggest struggle... 

Shut it, chappy-pants.  You've obviously been coached to say that, and you're totally full of poo.  Which is gross, considering what you're wearing.

Typcial Interview Question #2:

What are your strengths as an educator?  

This should be obscenely easy.  If you can't answer this in less than three seconds flat, you've got bigger problems than I (or my sarcasm) can fix.  Kindly reconsider your career.

Typical Interview Question #3:

Why are you interested in teaching here?

Let's just get the elephant out of the room.

We know you need a job.

Few and far between are the souls who are so filthy rich that they have nothing better to do than get an education degree, plow through job interviews in a lousy economy, be hired and work an ridiculous amount of hours for peanuts in pay - just for shits and giggles.  So the moment we receive your application, we're going assume that you don't fit in this to-my-knowledge-non-existant-demographic .  You need to teach in order to eat.  But kindly don't use that as an interview answer.

Schools are like teenage girls.  We need affirmation, validation.  We want you to make us feel special, bring us roses and some hideously cutsey stuffed bear on Valentine's day.  We don't need you to awkwardly shrug and say, "I dunno...I guess I thought I'd ask you out 'cause you were...available."  That's the education equivalent of being called easy.  Ever call a teenage girl easy?  You're asking for a catfight.

You teach for a profession.  Do your homework.  Research the school, learn a little, then find something nice to say.  And if you can't say anything nice...well, then this would be a classic dodge the question example.  Except that it's going to be obvious to everyone in the room that you're dodging the question, so the only real way out is to actually set your own pants on fire, thus giving you have an extremely legitimate excuse not to answer.   The next step, however, is generally to run from the room screaming, so it's unlikely that you'll get the job.  But you will have made one hell of an impression.

Typical Interview Question #4:

Why did you leave your last school?

Yup.  We're checking up on you.  If the answer is "I was fired because I'm totally incompetent," you're probably not going to get hired.  But nearly no one is dumb enough to be that brutally honest.  It's the death-by-pushing-others-under-the-bus that is much more common.  Or rather, to follow the ongoing metaphor, you're running on about others' hind ends while sitting on the biggest booty of them all.

Some schools suffer major dysfunction, yes.  Sometimes a poor administration, catty staff or incompetent colleagues makes a place an almost unbearable environment in which to work.  But you can't throw your administrator under the bus without instantly being dragged underneath yourself.  If you come from a school you hate, strap on those chaps and run down the hall screaming about flaming pants.  In other words, drop a line that subtly lets us know your boss/school/staff/job sucked, then smoothly change the subject.  Here, I'll help:

"My colleagues were a nasty, catty group who refused to lend a hand and stabbed you in the back the first chance they had." -------chaps and flames-------->  One of my big values in any workplace is working with a supportive and collaborative staff and I didn't feel I really had that at my last job.  Could you tell me a little about what collaboration looks like at __________?

"My boss was an incompetent asshole who didn't know a thing about education."  -------chaps and flames-------->  "I felt I had grown as far as I could at that particular school and now I'm looking for a school that is willing to challenge me to get better and support me in my efforts.  How do you do that here?

See?  It's not that difficult, really, but you would be surprised by the number of people who will happily trash-talk their old employers.  If you're the one complaining about catty bitches and poor communication skills, guess what that makes you look like?  A tad too big for your britches, perhaps?

It totally makes your butt look fat.

Plan ahead, do your homework, watch your tongue, and be yourself.  You'll nail your interview.

 And we'll all be admiring your rear as you sashay down the hall, job offer in hand.