Education Interview Tips Part I

It's summer, folkertons.

That means it's still hiring season for many schools.  Better move quick.  Gotta get those quality education jobs before some jackass from a big corporation has a mid -life crisis, decides he wants to change the world and leaves his six figure salary and tropical vacations for...

Yeah, I'm not buying it either.  Let me try again.

Better move quick to get the approximately two teaching jobs still left after some jackasses from a big corporation ruined the economy, shrugged it off, and left behind massive budgets cuts for the one sector whose job it is to teach young America not to be jackasses.

Whoospie.  Where did that little rant come from?

Anyway, jackasses aside (and yeah, I'm looking at you, too, you little Wisconsin union buster smug-faces) it's a competitive market out there, so I thought I would lend you all a hand.  Give you a few interview tips.  Prep you, so that when you walk into that room with your future principal, colleagues, or whomever, you are adequately prepared to...well... not look like a jackass.  Interviews are serious matters requiring a delicate balance of people skills, content mastery and thoughtful reflection that looks effortless.

Shocking that I even have a job.  But I do.  So here goes:

Interview Advice for Those Seeking a Job in Education Part I:  General Tips

1.  Grow a pair.
No, seriously.  I once sat through and entire interview with a chick who did not once make eye contact with me or my principal.  Considering we were the only other people in the room, that made it a bit uncomfortable.  I started narrating the interview like a baseball game in my head.  Oh...oooh...here it comes....here it...and...NO, it's a miss! The eyeballs escape to the ceiling, rapidly followed by a trip to the walls and a little vacation to the floor.  It's a shame, folks.  A crying shame.
Really.  If you can't look a (somewhat) well-behaved teacher in the eye, how the Howard Gardner are you going to keep control of a classroom of adolescents?  Oh wait...you're not.

2.  Don't be a Tool.
At one point, I referenced a "tool" in front of my father who (understandably considering his generation) confused the person in question with a gardening utensil.  So for those of you who many not be hip to all the urban lingo, here's the definition of a tool from urbandictionary.com: (on a semi-related note, Teaching Teenagers Tip #1 is put urbandictionary.com on your "favorites" tab.  It will save you a lot of confusion and embarrassing moments.)
Tool:
     A person, typically male, who says or does things that cause you to give him a "what-are-you-even-doing-here" look.

Simple enough.  Sample tool experience: a Spanish demo lesson where the teacher applicant, rather than attempting to learn students' names, repeatedly called each one chico or chica.  This is the equivalent of saying, "hey, hey boy.  What's the answer to number five?  And you, girl, what did you write for number six?"
Are you serious?  That's just insulting.  And again, we're back to how you plan on controlling a room of teenagers if you can't even build a relationship enough to learn their names.  Plus, I think this particular dude was wearing a bow-tie.  Or maybe not.  It's possible my memory just assigned him one to match his personality.  I'd avoid the bow-ties in an interview, too, unless you really are Just That Cool.

3.  Know your content.
I kind of can't even believe that I have to write that, but holy cow.  In my particular area, don't apply for a language job unless you can...oh, I don't know...speak the language.  Which means that at a bare minimum, you can narrate the past tense correctly.  Don't apply for an English job if you can't use an apostrophe -s, an art job if you can't fire a kiln or a social studies job if you can't get your facts straight.  Got applicants going all Michelle-Bachmann-Sarah-Palin in their interviews.  Nutjobs.

Oops.  Mini-rant.

Balls.  Tool-less.  Content.  Three basics.  If you prefer, you can switch the order around to make it easier to remember and only slightly more inappropriate sounding  - tooless balls content - and repeat that little mantra to yourself as you head into the Direct Questioning part of your interview.  With tooless balls content on your side, how could you possibly go wrong?

But just in case, coming soon -

Interview Advice for Those Seeking a Job in Education Part II:  Interview Questions Do's and Don'ts

Summer Manifesto

Went hiking today.

("And who the hell cares?" you're thinking.  "I brushed my teeth today...and...?")

But I didn't just go hiking today.  I woke up (voluntarily) at 6 am, cleaned the kitchen, went grocery shopping, put everything away, drove an hour and a half to the mountains, hiked for three and a half hours ending up above the treeline and gaining a vertical altitude of over a half mile, drove back home, cooked food for the week, caught up on email and am now playing on my blog.

And I still have more energy than after a day of teaching.

WTF?

The insane amount of energy required by my job perhaps became most clear to me last summer when a girlfriend and I went on a hiking bender and summited six 14ers in one week.  (14er = mountains over 14,000 feet in altitude, for you flatlanders).  During that week, I was up at 5am or earlier everyday.  My legs went numb from overuse.  I was hailed on.  Froze.  Subsisted on PBJs and granola bars.  Experienced lightning at high altitudes.  Lack of oxygen.  Etc, etc, etc.  And it was still easier than teaching the subjunctive to a bunch of unwilling adolescents.

Which got me to thinking.  I am blessed with two months of vacation.  So if I can just figure out what it is about my job that makes it more exhausting than riding a bike for 30 miles (uphill, into the wind) and eliminate those particular elements from my life for these two months, perhaps I could return to work in August a whole new kind of refreshed.  So after much thought and reflection, I now present you with...

My List of Things I Will Not, Under Any Circumstances, Be Doing this Summer

1.  Repeating everything I say three times.

I try to be a good teacher.  I really do.  "Ok, kids," I say in an effort to save time.  "I need everybody's pencils down and eyes on me before I continue."

Thing is, a teenager can have his eyes on you and his mind on the attractive girl next to him.  Or look like he's taking notes, but really be writing one lyric of his favorite song over and over and over again. Between rescuing Johnny from Bobby who is pinching him under the desk, confiscating Besty's love letter to her college boyfriend, and waking up David who can sleep with his eyes open, I begin to sound like some cracked-out education parrot. In the ultimate irony, the phrase I end up repeating most is "Well, what did I just say?"  (To which the inevitable response is "I dunno." at which point I have to repeat myself again, again.)  Then there are the students that just defy all logic.  The ones I swear are just trying to make me crack.

Raised hand.

"Yes, Suzie?"

"Um.  What are we doing?"

"Well.  Were you listening?  What did I just say?

"To get out our notebooks and write this down."

On the inside: THEN WHY THE FRICK ARE YOU ASKING ME THIS?

On the outside:  "Sooooo...what should you probably be doing?"

"Getting out a notebook and writing this down."

Oh my god, somebody just shoot me now.

2.  Acting out everything I say

I teach Spanish.  Repeating myself is only for the good days.  Most of the time, I also have to act out at least three-quarters of what I say in order to prevent an exceptionally high number of blank stares and drooling.

"Cuántos...años...tienes? I say shrugging my shoulders and holding up my hands to indicate that I'm asking a question, then showing a number on my fingers to give them a hint, then pointing directly at the person I'm talking to.

"Huh?"

"Años.  Uno dos tres...¿catorce?  ¿Tienes catorce años?  I flash the number fourteen on my hands and raise my eyebrows.

"Uhhhh..."

"¿Uno?  ¿Tienes un año?  ¿Eres un bebé?   I hold up one finger, then act like I'm rocking a baby in my arms.

"Oh.  Uh.  Yo...tener...uh...quince...anos."  I have fifteen anuses.  Awesome.  That gosh-darn ñ.  Trips up the gringos every time.  Only by drawing on every ounce of my willpower do I resist acting out that particular utterance.  Too likely to get me fired.

You can pat your head and rub your belly?  Rookie. Try switching between two languages, confiscating a cell phone and acting out "Would you like to accompany me to the movies?" Yeeeeah...now that's impressive.

3.  Sugar Coat

Teachers are masters at toning down our  true thoughts.  Actually, I rather think that we're masters at toning down what really ought to be said but manners, protocol and paychecks demand a certain aversion to bluntness.  A few of the most common examples:

True thought:
Blargh!!  Oh dear god, teenager in low-cut jeans bending over ooooh yuck, yuck, yucky-yuck buttcrack ewwwww!
Spoken:
"Suzie...honey...you might want to pull up your pants a little..."
...or buy some mom-jeans...

True thought:
Excuse me, Ms. Smith, but what do you mean by "There's nothing we can do?!"  He's your child, you brought him into this world, now go buy some parenting books and a straightjacket and raise your little mini-me!
Spoken:
"So could you talk to me a little bit about what strategies you've tried so far with Bobby?"

True thought:
Please don't let anyone show up for help after school.  I just want to go home.  Nokidsnokidsnokidsnokidsnokids.....
Spoken:
"Hi guys!  I'm so glad you came by!"


Three simple things that you wouldn't think could make such a difference.  But this little contract with myself opens up a whole new world.  I can say things once.  Better listen up closely, or I might even take advantage of my newfound freedom to mess with you.

"Hey, Teach, how's your summer going?"
"Pretty good.  Enjoying myself."
"Sorry...my phone cut out...what was that?"
"I said I just killed a hippopotamus."
"What?"
"Three potatoes and a thimble!"
The possibilities are endless.

I'm free to actually hike and chat with my friends without having to actually hike, chat with my friends and act out everything I say.  Which could get really awkward when we're catching up on gossip.

"Yeah, so Candace has a new boyfriend.  They were hanging all over each other when we were out at a happy hour the other day.  Don't think it's serious though...she's just using him for sex."

Like I said.  Awkward.

And finally, I can say what I really think.  Like, "If you haven't signed up to follow my blog you're a poohead.  Now do it so I can at least pretend I'm popular since we all know it's only about appearances."

Or something like that.  Hypothetically speaking.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to have lunch with a friend.  Whoops...old habits...I mean, now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to drink a beer before noon.

Because I can.